Advice to all

STAYING OUT OF TROUBLE
The irony of me writing something about how to stay out of trouble probably hasn’t escaped you. Nevertheless, I have remained, through good fortune and the application of a few simple rules, a faceless number in the ranks of Newtown police. Unknown not just to the public, but more importantly to the people in charge. “But PC Copperfield”, I hear you cry, “How have you managed this? With the IPCC one side, politically motivated and ambitious chiefs on the other and a demanding public on the other err…ceiling or floor…to continue the metaphor, surely you must have fallen foul of someone at some point during your mediocre career.”Well, I certainly have “dropped the ball” on a few occasions, but by keeping to the rules below, I’ve managed to avoid serious disaster.1. Be Polite: Call Inspectors and above, Sir. Call female Inspectors, Inspector. Anyone aged 21 and above who pays their taxes and is sober at the time I speak to them gets called Mr. You don’t have to mean it, but a bit of old world courtesy goes a long way especially when “Mate” is a New-Labour word for “Comrade.” Even if you know nothing about the law, by acting like Dixon of Dock Green you’ll soon have even the most irate chairman of the local Neighbourhood Watch eating out of your hand.2. 80% of police work is paperwork and personal organisation, 15% is keeping your mouth shut while people talk at you and 5% is knowledge of the law. With this in mind, focus on the paper. If I brought in Newtown’s biggest burglar it would be forgotten within the week, but if I attend a minor domestic without completing the relevant form, my negligence will be recorded forever.3. Learn to differentiate between Petty Crime and Trivial Crime. Petty crime is important: bag snatches, assaults where someone actually gets injured, car crime and shed breaks all need attention, so do a proper job and follow up all the leads. Get a cup of tea for the victim or drive them home, telephone the banks and cancel the cards- this is why you joined the police. Trivial Crime is crap with a crime number: receiving a single telephone call from an ex-boyfriend who lives at the other end of the country, two eleven year old brothers fighting, involving the police in your divorce, getting drunk and fighting with your friends: dispose of this as quickly and ethically as possible.4. Grit your teeth and make the arrest. Even if there’s no evidence, even if it’ll never go within a hundred yards of Magistrates court and even if it will mean more work in the short term, it pays to lock someone up. Once you have someone in custody, you won’t be sent anywhere else and you’ll have the rest of the shift to sort something out. If you don’t make the arrest and you get called back later in the night it’ll be ten times worse. For example: I once went to a neighbour dispute with no possible solution in sight. Words had been exchanged and threats made. So I went to each house in turn and asked them which person they would like me to arrest from next-door and why. I simply arrested one person from each house and spent the rest of the shift obtaining statements. Result: no criminal charges, and a complete waste of a shift, BUT: No further problems that night and I didn’t get sent anywhere else.5. Don’t encourage people to “press charges”. Do you remember the episode of Dad’s Army when Private Pike took the Mr. Hodges’ daughter out in Captain Mainwaring’s staff car? The car broke down and Private Pike was accused of all sorts. However, in a sign of the times and to his credit, Mr. Hodges said, “I’m not having my daughter dragged through courts.” Well, times have changed and “pressing charges” is when poor people do when there’s nothing on the telly. Occasionally an offender needs jailing, there’s the evidence to do it and the victim needs a little support and encouragement; but more often than not everyone needs to calm down, and wait until the next episode of Eastenders.